Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Empty~



Being at the blossoming age of 28, the most frequented asked question why are you not married yet? I would answer with a smile. But I was caught of guard once when my mama brought up the subject herself and she finally said ‘Kenapa yer, setiap kali mama cakap pasal hal ni je, adik macam putus asa?’ I was surprised and wondered what kinda facial expression I’d been giving her every time she tried to venture into the subject. The rest were the normal accusations saying that I am being too choosy, some told me am being to ambitious. Hello, since when being ambitious has anything to do with this. The worst case scenario, some even think that I am lesbian. Buta apa kepala hotak kau.

Dear mama, I know you are worried. I am worried too.

More than being worried, I am actually being more careful. I don’t mind being judged, because most people don’t now what I’ve been through. But at one point in time, you just get too tired of being misunderstood.

Sacrifice. Have you made one yourself? I have. Torn me to pieces. I know how it feels like to be wounded. But as much as I don’t want anyone to travel the same road I once travel, I don’t want to go through the same ordeal and torment I once had. Like walking barefoot on a burning coal or broken glass. Getting so close to losing your sanity. I became cautious.You see as that one happy bunch but I brush away any advanced made towards me. But it’s more like I really haven’t found the security that I continue to seek.

Commitments are like a fragile crystal glass from where I see it. If you don’t hold onto it carefully, you’ll end up breaking them into pieces and it will never be the same again. I don’t want that to happen.

Do I have someone that I like? Of course I do. Pursuer..hmmm..am not sure…haha..But I guess I have just to stop there. Stop dead in the track. I don’t want to be unfair to anyone. I don’t want anyone to make unnecessary sacrifices having to give up everything and runaway with me. I just brave the cold blooded world alone and lonely for now. Empty, that’s for sure.

But once I am done, when I find that the guy that I like still remains the same as I left him, I’ll be sure to do the chase. I took the lead once, I don’t mind doing it again. I’ll force him to give in..hahaha =)

The conclusion drawn from the post is that I am not a lesbian and I am as straight as hell..I like men..there you have it =)

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