Friday, April 26, 2013

What took you so long? (-__-")

*I came to congratulate the girls and collected my scroll..teheee..di marahi teruk sbb x attend convo..(-__-")*

What took you so long? was the most frequented question asked when I was doing my Masters. To answer that one particular question, I will be needing tons of sheets of papers to explain but let's just choose to be grateful and thankful that I finally graduated. When collected my scroll I was on the brink of tears, 3 years of hardship and hard work fighting the battle alone finally pays off and materialized in a form of a scroll and an academic transcript. Never have I learned on how to be more independent during those years of my life. When I wrote "You know you're a fighter when everyone else decided to quit and run away, but you decided to stay and finish what you started", those were truly meant specifically for me and for those who fought the same battle as I did.

Doing master degree requires extreme commitment and focus as well as mental strength. One of the reason I ventured into doing research was because back then my big boss was not a big fan of mixed mode course and I went along because I am not a big fan of going through studying and sitting for exams. Besides, my big boss reassured me, the experience that I will gain will help big time when I'm about to pursue my study. Boy ain't he a vissionary and he was damn right. Apart from that, I went through some personal battle with a lot a people to made it through this far. I also learned on how to divide my attention equally between my SV and Co-SV which I failed to do at the beginning of the second term. But we sort out the misunderstanding professionally (well not really professionally when I cried in front of her). So, actually the crying didn't stop there. For your information, doing master by research is a lonely journey..In the  lab of course, you had to fight the battle with style without having to cross someone else's path. You have to be extremely diplomatic and at times, you just have to really fight for your rightful place in the lab. I've seen people come and go, I seen some chose to leave because they had had it and think that the journey took too long and don't see the lights at the end of the tunnel. But I also seen those who stayed with me, who fought the battles till the very end and suceed. Just like me. Giving up was not an option as we have come this far and close to end what we had ,well, foolishly started (hahahaha). 

But I have to say Alhamdulillah, that I was granted a group of strong support system who told me that I could do it. I would call mama and cried and ask her " am i not good enough"..Papa who would always call from his office asking " are you ok?"..My sis who is my mentor as well " this girl is one hard core researcher, a chemist by the way" other siblings..And my friends, from different fields but fought the same battle as I did and many had was a nightmarish experience but something I don't mind going through again. I am tough as steel now, being a steel is a good thing as you can be bend but never broken. As rusty I am right now to start off the new journey, I am ready..bring it on..!! 

we all have our personal battles in life..Fight in style..just keep on fighting..and you eventually will get to place that you intended to go to..even if it takes years.. then so be it, because when it ends, you have on hell of a tale and experience to share..and proud that you didn't give up!!~

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Write drunk, edit when sober~

I am an open book as I have nothing to hide..
When someone comes up to me and shoot me with questions..
I'll be sure to answer them..honestly that is..
So don't go play guessing games and make assumptions on what type of a person I am..Just come up to me and ask me questions and I don't bite..
And I believe this one particular principle is not only applicable to me only, it's a reproducible theory and applicable to all..Don't gossip..go up and ask..

One of my random rambling again, but I feel like sharing something with my dear readers ( that is if I still have one?hahaha)

I am not sure but I kinda think it's me at least..recently my post are mostly about feelings..teheeeee..forgive me for being extremely sentimental this past few months..nak buat macam mana only human..hehehe

I am not sure how to begin but I have to thank Allah swt to make me live this long enough to make me see in life, anything is possible..

Feels like writing this down when while watching Love and the Other Drugs on Saturday morning while preparing my PhD proposal slides presentation to be presented for the Research Methodology Course..Well, not the typical love story you were expecting, minus all this crappy scenes, it's a pretty descent movie ..really..

When I was involved with a man back in 2009, I was the one who confided the to him being to scared that he would go was perfect but distance gets in the way..I tried everything to get close to him, try applying for the university near where he works without knowing that I am jeopardizing my future by trying to mould my future to fit his..I remember that one fight we had when he get pissed saying that all the decisions I made draws me away from's not as if I wanted or intended for it to happen..Some plans of my life have already been executed before he enters my much as I tried Allah has better plans for me..No matter where I was, I  remain true and loyal but one day, he decided to fall in love with someone else...making decisions to call it off, i was the one who pulled the trigger..But take note that I pull the trigger after some careful thoughts..after weighing a lot of stuff, trying to see if our path will meet or overlap somewhere, but unfortunately there was none and I can't keep him for all the wrong and selfish I let him go...keeping's not fair..not doing justice for both of us..

Truth to be told I grew weary and careful to avoid any relationship dramas..distance creeps me out...since then I brave the world comfortably alone..

After that, came a few...was forced to or advice to give them chances..when I did, they are no different then the other..trying to mould my future to fit theirs..telling me or giving hints on what to do...I got sick and stopped..It's true what they say..If Allah swt refuses t plant the seed of love in his servants heart, it will never come unless He permits it to happen.

Pray to Allah swt everyday single to day to at least show me at least one who was worthy of my attention..Even if it he is not for my keeping..

He decided to grant me one of my du'a..I found one..but unlike any took me a while to unravel the mystery of this one particular a rubix cube, it takes a while for you to solve em..he's just honest by nature..I get the impression he doesn't live under false pretences...met this guy by accident, became his friend for all the wrong reasons, but everything felt right afterwards..I like chatting (how I wish I could talk to him) with him..we don't do it often, but every time i get the chance to chat with him, he leaves a lasting effect..I feel sane after single time I chat with him..when all else goes haywire..he without knowing, always says the right thing..things I want to hear..

So a few days (or was it week) back I shared with him my preparation for my PhD study..told him that everything is happening so fast it kinda creeps me out..he said, "don't be, good things are hard to come by' surprised me and tears well at the corner of my can there still be a man who encourages you like that..that is when I pray to Allah swt to grant him only the best that life has to offer..I have not yet bumped into a man who wished me well, instead they were questioning 'are you sure this is what you want?'...'x takut ke pergi sorg'.. 'kenapa x buat local je'.. that is how different he is..unselfish act/comment like this is very rare...enough or suffice enough that Allah swt has shown me there are a still a few good men out I said even if he is not for my keeping, he deserves only the best =) Sometimes I would ask myself before I sleep..can I keep you, all to myself ..they say the cure to boredom is curiosity, but there's no cure for curiosity, and I am very curious about much to unravel and the future remains a mystery for both of us...till happy and stay happy =)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Pounding heart~

*and if you can't imagine kissing him, then he's not The One either (call me corny  but it's true) ;p*

Hey there..This post is gonna be another random rambling again..But I guess this post is written down because it matters to my heart. A few days ago I called my ma and told her am headed up to Penang to settle everything once and for all. I humbly asked her to pray for me and I humbly pray to Allah to ease this path of mine (Rabbi yassir wala tu assir…. =)). I even had to tell her that my whole plan to further study had to be postponed for a few months due to some unavoidable matters. Being a worried mom she started nagging. She said “ Postpone lagi ke” I answered sadly “ a ah, I can’t do anything about it, sorry to let you down” She went on “ Mama and papa da tua, lg lambat pergi, lagi lambat balik..lagi..……Susah-susah kawin dulu la sebelum pergi” I answered with a laughed and further answered “ Takde orang nak kt adik..susah-susah mama cari la untuk adik”..Then she went on “Hish, tak nak mama, cari sendiri..Habis tu si polan tu aritu…” I laughed again “Ntah, tak timbul rasa suka pun, besides, He’s after my friend now, he doesn’t even like me to begin with”..Then I excused myself because it was Maghrib and need to get ready for prayer..I told my ma, I love her and told her to kem salam kt semua and never to worry.

That was only an introduction, but I am here to share my view. My ma, my sis, friends and everyone keep asking how do you know that when you are into someone. I smiled and recall a scene from a Korean drama “Answer me 1997” When Shi Won rejected the guy that she was recently going out with because he simply doesn't make her heart pound. I keep having people offering me to meet me up with someone, to get me hooked up with someone..But it’s not as simple as that..I am a slow mo at heart, I'll take my time to fall in love with someone. Even with my ex, it took me 4 years to fall in love with him (3 years of friendship and 1 year of uncertainty and contemplating). Well I do have someone who makes my heart pound hard even from the sight of his name. Even that took me a year to unravel the mystery and he is still a mystery to me till today..hehe..Even if the feeling is not mutual, I’m pretty happy at how things are right now. If Allah permits it, who know s right..No matter how ridiculous this might sound, but I have to tell you girls, if the guys doesn't make your heart pound like you’re about to die, then he’s not the one..If you can’t imagine living with him, being in his arms, then he is not the one..So take your time..You are never desperate and never settle for anything less. Like I always say to myself, even if the journey of falling in love or finding true love takes forever, so be it, challenge yourself..In addition to all the above, before falling in love with someone, fall in love with Allah swt and His Messenger pbuh and yourself first..InsyaAllah you’ll be granted with the best that life has to offer~